Monday, July 07, 2003 @ 12:21am | Entry no.238 | blah ||   mood    sleepy   || ||   music    "love goes one" _ natalise   || Damn, damn, damn. I keep forgetting to change the journals when I post in communities, and then I have to write a whole new entry. Blah. I've been designing a new layout; and ((gasp)) it's not dark for a change. It's white. How odd is that? But, I've been working on it for a little while now, and it's kind of cute, probably in the next few days, I'll wind up putting it up. I need to remind myself to get to bed early tonight, or else I'll never wake up in time to go be with my sweetie tomorrow. ((smiles)) I think we're a pretty good couple, there have been a few annoyances, and lots of stuff that's he's said that's got him in trouble, like "I'm taking a chance with you", hmph, but again, the L word was mentioned. Very cute, but also very scary. Bah, I'm getting to bed. <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Monday, July 07, 2003 @ 05:29am | Entry no.239 | zZzZz.. boy troubles ||   mood    tired   || ||   music    "you've got a way" _ dj encore   || I couldn't sleep. I spent the last few hours or so fiddling around with the new layout, in hopes that it'll eventually wear me out and I'll be able to fall asleep. Not so. So now it's 5am, and I'm scheduled to go and see my sweetie bright and early later on today. I'm looking forward to it, and at the same time, I just want to bash myself over the head because I know I screwed myself by staying up this late. Anyways, it seems that I finally have a somewhat decent train of thought at the moment, so I'm just going to run with it to see where it leads me. For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with myself over a silly little issue. I have a boyfriend, a lovely wonderful, sweet and caring boyfriend, who I'm so happy with. Whenever we spend time together, I'm content... but there's someone else, who I get along with so well, because our personalities... they mesh. It's like an interlocking puzzle, our personalities go with each other that well. I have fun with this person. He brings out the innerchild in me, and I laugh like crazy whenever I talk to him. I like this other person, I won't deny it, I like him a lot. And I just didn't know what to do. Do I break up with my sweetie, and enjoy the single life, hanging out whomever I chose, ultimately, "the other guy", or do I stay with my lovely wonderful boyfriend? It's two sides that I have to fight with, one who knows the right thing to do, and the one who just wants to have fun for now and who says, "the heck with everything, let's party!". I'm an adult now. I can't just make a decision on a whim. But, I made the right decision. I choose to be with my sweetie. I do care for him more. There's just more substance there. That doesn't mean I still don't think of the *other guy*. I do. I think about him quite a bit... have a few dreams about the fellow too. Whatever it was with the "other guy", the timing wasn't right for me to be able to just have fun and be the silly little youth that I am. Darn you Fate, what is it with you and your timing? It's like *you* get a kick out of seeing me miss out by just a few days. ((sighs)) Now whenever I see his screenname on my buddylist, I'm hesitiant about even IMing him, because I told him that I was going to be a "good" girlfriend, and it didn't seem to go over too well. Watch this be another one of those people who I enjoy talking to, just completely stop IMing me, and then, nothing. I don't know what to do. A part of me feels incredibly guilty about this whole mess, I shouldn't have even gotten into it in the first place, and another part makes me feel rather happy, because heck, it made me realize a few things. I *do* have the ability to like other people now. That part of me hasn't been destroyed completely. And now I'm going to revert back to playing the role of the callow youth and talk about childish things that hold no true bearing on any aspect of adult life. Jeez, so now I know what it takes to get me to shut up about teeny-bopper stuff. Get me online at 5:30 in the morning writing about whatever it is that's been troubling me. Ah, I'm not going to post anything as Friends Only anymore. Fuck it, if my sweetie reads this, he reads it. Either way, I don't care, I'm with him. That should mean something right? And if the other guy reads it... well... I'm not going to say. <33 toodles ( 7 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )